yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
