Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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