I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
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i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
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Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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