I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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