Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
