I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
