Four minutes until I can fart!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
