My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
