Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
