i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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