My nipple is on Facebook.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
