My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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