At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
