Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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