Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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