I am puke
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Drunk is not a location!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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