trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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