There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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