Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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