sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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