You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
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Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize