dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
