I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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