i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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