you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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