I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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