So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
