her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
