Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
