Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
