Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
