you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
