You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
