The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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