you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
