Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
