did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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