i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
