just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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