the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
