Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
