Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
