He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
