If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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