Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
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rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
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So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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