I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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