Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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