u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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