I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
