I am midnight drunk by noon
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize