last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
