Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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