if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
