You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
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There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
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The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.