Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
